From Quiet Desperation to Authentic Process

Henry David Thoreau said, “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation.” (Walden, 1854)

And he’s right.

There’s a weight that men carry that we don’t often talk about. We don’t talk about it because it’s not manly. We don’t talk about it because we don’t want to freak out our wives. We don’t talk about it because we’re afraid vulnerability will isolate us even further. We don’t talk about it because we may think we’re the only ones who feel pressure to…

• be great providers

• pay all of our bills

• be perfect dads

• be model husbands

• do work around the house

• make more money at work

• go on more vacations

• save for retirement

• fix things around the house like an Instagram DIYer

• do something significant with our lives so we can prove to everyone we didn’t waste them

If you’re reading this list and resonate with any of these things, know that you’re not alone. I say this with confidence because I feel every single one of them. And I wrote this list very quickly.

Something Isn’t Working

Our collective mental health is struggling. Our physical health isn’t much better. We are one of the loneliest generations of all time. We weren’t created to live this way, and something has to change.

But here’s the reality: our obligations, goals, or desires should not be what changes.

It’s not what we struggle with that needs to change. In fact, I believe the “struggles” on my list make me stronger. As a man, I need struggles—and overcoming them—to mold my character, teach me discipline, and prove to myself that I have what it takes.

It’s how we go about these challenges that needs to change.

We need to move from quiet desperation to authentic process.

We need to end the suffering in silence and bring this journey into the light.

In generations past, a man’s struggles were obvious: survive the elements, find food, find a mate, and avoid getting eaten by something higher on the food chain. Today, our struggles are hidden below the surface. They aren’t as acute as surviving winter without heat, so we tell ourselves they aren’t real burdens and that we should just suck it up.

This is the path of quiet desperation.

But our challenges are real. They’re just different. And we must be honest about them if we’re going to survive.

What Does Authentic Process Look Like?

Authenticity is like a muscle that has gone into atrophy.

A friend of mine is a great athlete, and for some reason, he decided he wanted to ride a bull on his birthday. It didn’t go well. The bull stepped on him, and he was in the hospital for six weeks. After being confined to a bed, even walking was hard for him. That was hard for me to imagine—I’ve only known him as a great athlete.

When we don’t use our muscles, no matter how strong they once were, we lose them.

Most men have never used their authenticity muscle.

So it’s no wonder they:

a) don’t want to, and

b) aren’t good at it when they try.

The worst-case scenario? A man takes a risk, shows someone his real self, and gets met with rejection or shame.

At some point, most of us did try. Maybe as kids, we were okay with showing our feelings—until someone told us to stop crying, rub some dirt on it, quit being a p%#sy, or that we were being dramatic. So we stopped using that muscle.

A healthy authentic process looks like a man sharing whatever struggles he’s experiencing with another person.

One of my favorite mantras is:

“You’re only as sick as your secrets.”

Our struggles are like monsters under the bed—they lose their power when we turn on the light.

The Catch-22

We have a compounding problem.

Men need to process and share with other men. But our loss of community and increasing loneliness means… we have no one to process with.

So our quiet desperation grows.

This is why Every Dad Project exists.

We are creating online (and in-person) spaces for men to practice authentic process. Our community is a place where men can step out onto atrophied muscles and practice. It’s a safe place because we’ve all been there.

Men need to:

1.Hear that we all face challenges

2.Connect with other men facing similar challenges

3.Experience the power of community

Overcoming challenges is the goal. Authenticity is what gives us the connectivity we need to overcome.