Earn Your Place at the Table

A few months back, I was on a podcast and they asked me to define my view of success in terms of fatherhood. Here’s what I said, “Success as a father would look like my kids wanting their kids to be around me.”

The dad’s role in a family is unique. We’re the masculine expression of love, teaching, discipline, physical affection, play, work ethic, social responsibility, sharing feelings, and conflict resolution. The way children relate to men as they grow up will be defined by our example of masculinity (which may also explain why a generation of absent fathers has created another generation of men don’t know how to relate to other men).

At some point in their lives, our kids will choose whether or not they want to be around us. It’s a dreadful thought to imagine that someday my kids may need to put up boundaries to keep me at a distance because I’m not a safe person to be around. In fact, my desire to have a life-long, healthy, evolving relationship with my kids informs my entire ‘strategy’ of parenting.

Here are 5 things I do as a dad to build a relationship with my kids where they choose to be around me…not just tolerate me during the holidays.

ONE: Value Open Communication Over Judgement

Shame and fear are the fastest ways to get kids to behave. But they are terrible relationship-building tools. I can guarantee that when a kid gets old enough to realize that your reactions to their ‘bad choices’ are severe emotional/physical punishment, laying on guilt, and/or making them feel ashamed, it won’t take long for them to start hiding their secrets from you instead of you being a trusted ally as they navigate life.

As dads, we need to figure out how to regulate our own emotions around disappointment so that when our kids make bad choices, we can show them a different path.

When my kids get caught doing something they shouldn’t be doing or make bad choices…my knee-jerk reaction is to get upset with them. One of my kids got pulled over for speeding. When I first heard the news, I was incredibly mad and self-focused, “How will our insurance go up? What if they lose their license and now I have to drive them around again?” But as I processed the situation from my kid’s point of view…they were also afraid. They were old enough to understand that there could be consequences outside of all of our control. So what good would it do for me to pile my own fear on top of theirs? None.

So in choosing a non-judgemental posture for myself, I was able to rationally work through the natural consequences with my kid and solve the problems.

This was one of my wins as a father…If I started writing all of my losses, this would be a book, not a blog. So please know I’m not perfect, but I am a person going through the process of changing my actions to match aspirational values

TWO: Apologize Quickly and Clearly

I once asked a room of over 150 parents, all around 30-50 years old, if they could remember a time their parents apologized to them for anything. Five people raised their hands. I’m not trying to dog on baby boomers, but it doesn’t seem like they were given a language for, or understanding of, how significant a good apology is.

There are two types of apologies and they each have very different goals. We’re most familiar with the first kind: Saying words to try and coerce the feelings away. I wouldn’t consider this a healthy apology. The second kind is where we name the hurt we caused, own it, and express how we’ll make a different choice next time. Here’s how they sound:

“I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings when I yelled at you, but you can’t scare Daddy like that.”

“I’m sorry that when I yelled at you it made you feel unsafe or scared of me. Will you forgive me? Next time I will do my best to talk to you kindly.”

This first ‘apology’ takes no ownership and blames the other person for a negative reaction. The second apology takes ownership of the action and names the feeling it caused. It asks for forgiveness and shows that you have a plan for what to do differently the next time.

I try to do this with my kids (and wife) when I mess up. It makes a world of difference in building a bridge that I damaged.

THREE: Teach your kids that you are teachable

Along the lines of apologizing…I make sure that my kids know that I know that I’m not perfect. I give them permission to call me out…and man does that not feel great at times. But I think this is critical to have in the foundation of our relationship when they are kids so that when we are all adults that have exercised this muscle and know that I’m a safe person to criticize and hold accountable.

I have said these words to my oldest kids many times, “I hope you know that I don’t believe that I’m perfect, but I want you to know that I’m always open to changing and growing and I believe that as much as I have to teach you about life, you also have much to teach me about myself….and I want to learn.”

Someday, if I do something they don’t want me to do as grandpa, they will know that they can talk to me about it and I won’t get defensive…and I’ll do my best to change.

FOUR: Be a fun and involved person in their life

This may sound like just being a good parent, but there’s something many families don’t do well together: play and laughter. For many of us, playing with our kids often stops when they get older. It’s easy to play when our kids are little and they worship the very ground we walk on. But as they become teenagers, playing with kids and building bonds through play changes. If our dads never modeled this for us, then we don’t know what it looks like.

This is what playing with my older kids looks like: I coach their soccer teams (and if I’m not the head coach, I try to be the assistant coach). I find hobbies that we can do together. I just learned how to rebuild an electric motorcycle with my boys….that also doubled as one of their science projects (classic Michael Scott win/win/win). I enjoy going thrifting with my oldest daughter (and love teaching the art of finding a great deal).

Here’s an example of when this isn’t easy for me: I suck at surfing…and surfing is hard work. My kids all like to surf and are better than me for many reasons. But they want me to go out with them. I have to admit…it’s hard to say no to things I’d rather be doing that are easier for me (or where I’d get a better sense of success…or not feel like I’m going to die) than go out with them. But I have to remind myself that the fact they want their dad to go out with them is a gift that won’t be offered forever.

Build a habit of play when kids are little. Then develop a keen ear on how to join them in their interests as they get older.

FIVE: Be who you tell them to be. 

To quote the late 80’s philosophers, The Beastie Boys…

“My dad caught me smoking and he said, ‘No Way!’

But that hypocrite smokes two packs a day.”

Nothing makes kids lose trust faster than when they see you have no character and integrity…and they will figure it out. It won’t take long for our kids to wise up to the fact that we hold them accountable to standards we don’t keep. We can’t tell our kids to be teachable and then get defensive. We can’t tell our kids to be loving to others and then gossip about people in our homes. We can’t tell our kids to be honest when we have secrets we keep.

The basis of healthy relationships is trust. Nothing erodes that more quickly than being a hypocrite. We may say to ourselves that it doesn’t matter and that our kids will always love us just because we are their dads. But to be honest, I don’t want my kids to love me because of a title…I want them to want their kids around me because I’m a good man. I want them to look at the life I live and want this for themselves. I want them to see me as a person who doesn’t just give advice but can live it and have it truly make a difference in the quality of my life.

In the end, there is going to come a day when our kids choose who is in their lives…and who is in their kids’ lives. The habits, choices, and attitudes we model will be a big reason they choose to be us or not. If you truly care about legacy, passing down values, and ‘eternal life’ then choose a right relationship with your kids and the world around you. It seems to me that right living gives us the freedom to choose where we spend our time because we’re invited to many tables. Take note of this…because the one table you’ll likely want to be invited to when you’re an older man is that of your children. And your seat at that is being set now…by you.